Erin’s contractions are coming faster now; the graph shows the
peaks and valley of her body’s work and the baby’s heart rate pounds through
them on the monitor, accelerating every once in a while as he apparently rolls
around in my sister’s tummy.
Its been a slow start. She checked into the hospital last
night, the night before her due date, expecting maybe to have a baby sooner
rather than later. Or maybe that was just me.
I feel at a loss right now. This ability of female bodies,
of my body, to create and nurture
life is one that I’ve always taken for granted. Yes, I took sex ed. I watched
every bloody amazing scene of The Miracle
of Life. I am familiar with the basic outline of my own fertility. But as I
watch Erin breathe slowly through the pain of her labor, I realize how little
all of that academic knowledge means. I am one step closer to experiencing that
work and those mechanics myself, and yet that last step is a huge chasm of
ignorance and doubt and fear. Could I even have a baby? So many women seem to
have trouble these days. You hear about it when you’re talking with your
girlfriends. So and so are trying, but its been a while. So and so miscarried.
So and so and so and so and you realize that this thing that you’ve always assumed
your body does naturally without effort is a very effortful thing indeed.
I wonder about how having babies has changed throughout the
ages. I’m sure basics are and will always be very much the same. Conceive.
Gestate. Contract and relax. Broken water. Pushing, breathing, pain. But that
work, I think, isn’t something that can be understood until you do it. I feel
very much like an outsider watching Erin breathe through her contractions. I
understand the mechanics, yes, and the reality of what those mechanics are is
much more real to me now. But Mom will understand the most; and the nurse Suzy,
who is so knowledgeable and kind. They are both on the other side of that chasm.
Erin’s face relaxes and she snoozes for a while, at least
until another contraction takes hold of her. Right now, she is resting,
gathering strength for the labor to come. Labor, I think, in the truest sense
of the word.
Update: This post was written on May 1st, 2014. On May 2, after 36 hours of labor, Erin gave birth to a
beautiful baby boy, Hunter Luke. He is absolutely perfect!
