Before you think that this is some sort of She-bop deal, let me explain. October was a hard month. I made a really tough decision about my life and since then, I've been reeling a little bit. Everything right now seems uncertain: my job, my house, my future. I've basically spent the last couple of weeks feeling shitty about myself because my life feels like a mess. And I didn't really think it would be at this point.
But last night, after spending the entire day in my pajamas, eating leftover Halloween candy, and foregoing my usual personal hygiene routine, I sort of snapped out of it. I remembered that there are things that I really like about myself, things that (if I'm not mistaken) my friends like about me too. Things that I haven't really necessarily felt good about in a while. So allow me to go all Whitney-Houston-Greatest-Love-of-All for a moment and name a few of them.
1. I'm still curious. About everything. Why Chris Christie won the gubernatorial election in Jersey. How amazing the Catching Fire trailor is. The state of the Philippines. The state of particle physics. Medical breakthroughs in organ cleaning (seriously, have you seen that shit?). There's a big wide world out there and I like finding out about it.
2. How much I love books. I spent pretty much the entire weekend reading. Maybe this is some childish coping mechanism so that I don't have to deal with my own emotions (fair, probably, at this point). But even when I'm not in some sort of emotional upheaval, books are the escape. They're the word-pictures that take me out of this (amazing) world into limitless others. I love that. I love being a book person. I love meeting other book people.
3. How I can make people laugh. My friend Emily has the biggest laugh in the world. Hearing it reminds me that there's happiness in this world, and sometimes I'm the cause of it. When my friend Andy laughs instead of quipping back at me, I know I've said something clever enough that even he, my cleverest of friends, just enjoys it. I love it when Holly and I get to giggling so much at school that the students just look at us in wonder while we cry and sputter and point at each other. How I can surprise a guffaw out of Dad with a sharp rejoinder that's maybe just a little bit crude, just like the two of us.
4. I still like explaining stuff to people. Its maybe my favorite part of my job as a teacher. I don't really like explaining grammar in Latin or in English, but I love explaining a philosophical idea to my kids, or explaining the history behind a current event, or even just talking about celebrity gossip with them. And not just with kids. I love being the person with the answers, the knowledge and the wherewithal to solve problems.
5. I love intelligent discussion. Not debate, not winning an argument, but meaningful exchanges of ideas. This is one of the things I miss most about graduate school. Its why I still follow professor's facebook posts and why I get so frustrated with my students, whose teenage mentality, so focused on projecting their right to opinions, doesn't let them listen to nuances, to question assumptions, to tread lightly into a maze of complicated issues.
6. The sound of my voice when I'm singing just for myself. Its probably really annoying to anyone else. All I do is sit around and sustain long single notes in as pure a tone as I can muster. But in my head, there are at least 4 other voices singing with me. I wish you could hear them as clearly as I can.
7. My feet are just like my grandma's: small, with high arches and toenails that grow up rather than out (much to our mutual dismay). Mine have a bit of the hobbit to them as well, but when groomed, I love my feet. I don't take very good care of them, but they seem to be just fine. No huge bio-mechanical problems, no bunions. Just strong little feet that I can dance on for hours. I'm sure that won't last forever, but for now, they're just perfect.
I feel a lot better, seeing all of this out in writing. I hope that if someday you find yourself in a similar upheaval, you write a list of all the things you like about yourself. It helps!
But last night, after spending the entire day in my pajamas, eating leftover Halloween candy, and foregoing my usual personal hygiene routine, I sort of snapped out of it. I remembered that there are things that I really like about myself, things that (if I'm not mistaken) my friends like about me too. Things that I haven't really necessarily felt good about in a while. So allow me to go all Whitney-Houston-Greatest-Love-of-All for a moment and name a few of them.
1. I'm still curious. About everything. Why Chris Christie won the gubernatorial election in Jersey. How amazing the Catching Fire trailor is. The state of the Philippines. The state of particle physics. Medical breakthroughs in organ cleaning (seriously, have you seen that shit?). There's a big wide world out there and I like finding out about it.
2. How much I love books. I spent pretty much the entire weekend reading. Maybe this is some childish coping mechanism so that I don't have to deal with my own emotions (fair, probably, at this point). But even when I'm not in some sort of emotional upheaval, books are the escape. They're the word-pictures that take me out of this (amazing) world into limitless others. I love that. I love being a book person. I love meeting other book people.
3. How I can make people laugh. My friend Emily has the biggest laugh in the world. Hearing it reminds me that there's happiness in this world, and sometimes I'm the cause of it. When my friend Andy laughs instead of quipping back at me, I know I've said something clever enough that even he, my cleverest of friends, just enjoys it. I love it when Holly and I get to giggling so much at school that the students just look at us in wonder while we cry and sputter and point at each other. How I can surprise a guffaw out of Dad with a sharp rejoinder that's maybe just a little bit crude, just like the two of us.
4. I still like explaining stuff to people. Its maybe my favorite part of my job as a teacher. I don't really like explaining grammar in Latin or in English, but I love explaining a philosophical idea to my kids, or explaining the history behind a current event, or even just talking about celebrity gossip with them. And not just with kids. I love being the person with the answers, the knowledge and the wherewithal to solve problems.
5. I love intelligent discussion. Not debate, not winning an argument, but meaningful exchanges of ideas. This is one of the things I miss most about graduate school. Its why I still follow professor's facebook posts and why I get so frustrated with my students, whose teenage mentality, so focused on projecting their right to opinions, doesn't let them listen to nuances, to question assumptions, to tread lightly into a maze of complicated issues.
6. The sound of my voice when I'm singing just for myself. Its probably really annoying to anyone else. All I do is sit around and sustain long single notes in as pure a tone as I can muster. But in my head, there are at least 4 other voices singing with me. I wish you could hear them as clearly as I can.
7. My feet are just like my grandma's: small, with high arches and toenails that grow up rather than out (much to our mutual dismay). Mine have a bit of the hobbit to them as well, but when groomed, I love my feet. I don't take very good care of them, but they seem to be just fine. No huge bio-mechanical problems, no bunions. Just strong little feet that I can dance on for hours. I'm sure that won't last forever, but for now, they're just perfect.
I feel a lot better, seeing all of this out in writing. I hope that if someday you find yourself in a similar upheaval, you write a list of all the things you like about yourself. It helps!
Like.
ReplyDelete